Teenages and their 'serious relationships'

My handsome son is 15 and should be bursting with anxiety under exam pressure,should be applying 'Clearasil' manically,should be shuffling pathetically and blushing shades of puce around young females,should be experimenting with that aftershave favoured by teenagers...what's it called? that's it! 'Desperation'!!
Should be living like that song '...I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby...'  all that painful evolutionary pain captured in that dirtbag song title, expressing  the pubescent nonsense of feeling like some odd oxygen thief. Not my guy.... this guy is  supremely confident, reserving the daily right to monopolise the bathroom implementing his complex beauty routines, flexing his pecs and whatnot, chatting to whoever through cyber space, but most disconcerting of all: he is (his words) 'in a serious relationship wiv Laura'...whenever I've seen the gruesome twosome she's
laughing at his terrible jokes like some mental patient.they shreik a lot too...and he chases her ,well he did before
I banned them from being together in the house...ok I'm a harridan I banned her from the house..but in the interests of preventative contraception, you know the one reader...it's called 'The Abstinance Method'... I'm not one of those libs who say 'Oh yes dear do it safefly under my roof in comfort while I pay the bills'
I'm more like 'Don't do it but if you really cannot control yourself and if you really don't respect yourself then do it in the rain in stinging nettles!!!'
Nevertheless it's quite an intense affair, as I discovered when questionning him the other day after
he revealed that he had bought her a 'Hollisters' top for xmas....I challenged the financial commitment
etc of such an expensive gift (at that age and for many years after the proverbial pot to pee in was a mere dream for moi) and he shot back with 'She's worth two weeks of my paper rlound money...she means a lot to me...
I luv 'er...you don't throw a relationship away after 8 months...'followed by the poignant and pathetic...'She
makes me appy!!!!''

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wonder if he'd feel quite as enamoured if he had bills to pay!!!!
But I'm bitter dear valued reader...I spent the eighties searching for a boyfriend..and failing...
pity he has the equivalent of some Miss Havisham freak like character for a mother...